Here We Are

Hi, Thank you for coming back! 😊 At least I know you enjoy reading about my journey to healing...or you don't and you are just here to be nosey, which I am ok with too 👋 I kid, I kid!

So now we at the part of my life where I went through grade school, high school, college, met the man of dreams and married the guy. If you have no idea what is going on, I encourage you to go and read past blogs. Go do it. Right now.

I am just going to get right into it...

So, at this point I am married, we got a job, a little apartment and we own a spanking new giant screen TV! All about 13" TV/VCR combo a bunch of Disney movies on VHS to go with it, an air mattress, and our clothes.

We ate dinner on the living room floor and groceries mostly came from the $.99 store, but we had each other, we were happy, incredibly nervous and I was in love. 🥰

As months went on we were eventually transferred to manage our own property in a small town, we were excited to take this on but as you can probably understand at times this new situation was stressful, at this point we had been married about 3 months; just newlyweds, working together full time and trying to balance a work and married life, work was always coming home with us.

I honestly did not know how to be a wife...who does?

I did not know how to cook, when I lived alone I hated making my bed (I still do 🙄 don't judge me) and having to deal with my own deep issues and have to support him as he was dealing with his too was a whirl wind!

God had really been wanting to heal me from my past hurts so that I would not bring them into this beautiful marriage He brought together. For years He would tell me "I want to heal you, please give these to me" but I was scared to face them, I just wanted to move on from them but kept them buried "Out of sight, out of mind". If I ignored it maybe it would just go away, but I always heard God's voice just wanting to help me, take away my burdens and free me so that I can become the woman He has called me to be and to become the wife my husband needed me to be.

I noticed my heart beginning to harden, I started becoming upset at God for things that were not happening in life that He promised. We were prophesied over that we would have children, that we were going to have ministry just a lot of great things that were supposed to happen. Because I did not see these things happening I slowly I was growing distant from God, I no longer prayed; I felt like God wasn't going to answer me anyway...what's the use?

I blocked out that He was there the whole time reaching out and wanting to heal my soul so that I can prepare for these blessing He had for us. I wanted the release without releasing. The bible says in 1 Peter 5:7 to cast all your cares upon Him because He cares for us. HE CARES! I didn't have enough faith to believe that Jesus has my best interest at heart, and He cares. I blinded myself by saying if pastors, church leaders, people who called themselves prophets can speak over my life by condemning me, telling me I "can't do it" or just tear me down...If these very people were supposed to be a reflection of Jesus then I don't want anything to do with them or Jesus right now.

It even got to the point when I looked in the mirror, I was very disgusted at what I saw, I was fat, ugly, and a nobody who cannot do anything. I began to bring this out into my marriage, it got so bad that I did not want my own husband, who never complained about my looks touch me, intimacy was difficult for me. I pushed him away, not because at all because I did not love him, I absolutely did, I was head over heels for this man, but I had a horrible way of showing it. Instead of realizing how I was slowly pushing my man away and fix it before it was unrepairable, I just kept hiding; hiding behind my smile, hiding behind lying to everyone like life was just a bowl of cherries. I know my husband was also being affected, all he wanted was love, affection, appreciation, and conversation. I just wanted to go have fun, spend our money, and not deal with our problems...and this was how I was going to deal with it.

For 10 years of our marriage this is how it was, my husband begged me to help him, begged me to not let our marriage die and I responded as if I didn't care what happened, you would think I treated him that way because I didn't care about him but I did, I could not snap out of this. I've heard it said, "Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them." I wasted a lot of great opportunities...

At this point my husband felt unloved, our marriage was not doing well and the past was just creeping up from the grave I had buried it in, all the rejections, low self-esteem, hate, disappointments...all of it, was trying to make itself real and known. God still wanted to free me, and I could not find myself to get brave enough to face it. The past even would make itself known by coming in spirit form and would visit me at night, I'd wake up from my sleep frozen while he was hovering over me looking at me with his red eyes, eventually freeing me from my frozen state, waking my husband and he'd call out the name of Jesus and that spirit would be gone. Still was not enough for me to surrender.

My husband would share with me some deep stuff about his childhood and would look to me to help him heal...how could I help him heal from that? I could not even heal from my past and again, here we go; someone asking me to heal them...WHAT ABOUT ME?!?! Who was going to help me? Did no one see that I was a giant mess? Is no one paying attention and seeing that I too am hurting?

My poor husband just wanted me to be the wife he needed but I was too busy not dealing with what I needed too, God was always there, but pride really got in the way and blinded me.

When? What was it going to take for me to see what I was doing?

Oh man, even as I type this and replay these things in my mind, I am losing it, just crying my eyes out. I used to think "Look at the big fat mess you have made...this is your fault; you tore your marriage apart!"

Did I? Am I responsible for all this mess going on my life?

During my physical healing journey, I finally threw my hands up in the air and “OK God, I’m done! I can’t do this alone, I can no longer bury this…I need your help, I need healing in everything!”

It was as if I could see Jesus standing there with me as He always was and did a dance and clapping His hands, “Finally! I have been waiting! Let’s do this!”

Of course, this process is painful because I had to face my past, I had to forgive every person throughout my life, like literally speak out and tell them “I forgive you!” I had to forgive my husband but most importantly I had to look at myself in the mirror and forgive myself; I faced myself and looked into my own eyes and spoke love, life, grace, and confidence over myself. Of course, I did not suddenly feel like I was a conqueror and still today some days I do not…but every morning and night I speak this into my own life. I do not know where a lot of people who I needed to forgive are, but I wrote their names down, prayed over it and spoke out each person’s name and spoke out “Please forgive me! And I forgive you.”

I also needed to repent, I needed Jesus to forgive me, forgive me for turning my back on Him, ignoring His calls and forgive me for not treating my husband the way God calls us to treat our spouses.

Mark 11:25 And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

During this time, I felt like I was taking a shower, I felt healing water flowing over me and I felt a cleansing in my soul. Am I healed completely of everything and just moving forward in God’s promises for my life? No. It is taking time for sure be each day I wake up continually seeking Him, speaking life over myself, He is still healing me physically; each month with new bloodwork things are improving inside my body, I am still healing from my past…it’s a process, a beautiful one. He has given my hope, my life, and my faith back to me, He is blessing me in ways that are just blowing me away, He is speaking to me so clearly and this is just the beginning! Our God is a God of life; in our faith we come alive!

Ephesians 2:4–5

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ.”

Remember, if you feel like life is just kicked you in the Nalgas (that’s Spanish for butt, you’re welcome if this is your first Spanish lesson) just remember whose plan it is to deliver you from your hurts and just love the living daylights out of you…His name is Jesus! All you must do is call on Him. He is standing there, waiting...

Until next time, I'm praying for you and Jesus loves you!

Good Stuff:

Psalm 103:10-14

He has not punished us as we deserve for all our sins, for his mercy toward those who fear and honor him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far away from us as the east is from the west. He is like a father to us, tender and sympathetic to those who reverence him. For he knows we are but dust.

1 John 3:11

Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! Therefore the world does not know us, because it did not know Him.