How did I get here? Pt. 2

Hi! I'm glad you came back 😊

I have to throw in this side note really quick before we travel to my young adult years...

I am so glad that I am doing this. For a while now I have been asking God to reveal to me the things I need healing from, the things that I have been holding in; sometimes I wonder if that was a good thing or a bad thing because He has been helping me bring these matters up; He is teaching me to forgive myself, others in my life who have hurt me, get them out, give them to Him and leave them there. Writing about all of this is definitely healing, therapeutic, and just drawing closer to Jesus in a way that is unexplainable...I want more!

So, with that little side note said, let's go ahead and continue my story. We went from childhood, to elementary, jr. high and high school. Whew!! What a doozy!

So here I was, just not quite understanding how to have a personal relationship with Jesus.

I had graduated from HS, and not sure what was going to happen next. I did want to go to college but maybe it was just so I could leave the house, or do I skip college and just work?

For a while I took a fast food job, a nanny job and then also did house cleaning. I was still felling lost...what should I do? Where do I go?

My church had a discipleship training school of sorts this was where you went out of high school. At this 9 month training program you moved out of your home and moved into a host family's home, left your job, couldn't date, basically left everything behind to be a disciple of Jesus; we went to bible school, we were trained on how to minister and be ministers...you get the idea!

So I joined because I was determined to find out who I was in Jesus, I wanted to find out who I was. I went through the intensive training program, memorized a lot of scripture because that is what was required of us in order to graduate, traveled and made friends...but still didn't find out who Jesus was, I didn't find me! Did I do it wrong? Did I miss something?

For me it felt like it was home in the sense there were lots of rules, lots of you can't do this or that, and you must wake up super early in the morning to pray and hours? What was that? We were at church before the sun came up and stayed there...until the sun came up.

Lots you have to, you have to!

Even after graduating I still decided to move to another city to help launch the same program at a different church, the rules were there but never actually enforced, the guys and girls intermingled with each other (GASP!), guys and girls rode in cars together....alone! In the rule book this was a no no.

The cool thing was that we were home by dinner and we had time to do homework.

Through my both years in this program I had lots flash backs of the teachers and kids who told me "You'll never!" came back but in the form of pastors, leaders and my peers. These were people who I was supposed to count on to encourage me, believe in me and pray with me, tell me things like "You can do it!". This was not the case at all, they preached and taught about having dreams, visions, and going for it. Just believe in yourself!

So, when I did have an idea that God had given me or asked for their opinions on things that I had a heart for, it was as if they'd pat me on the head and say "Oh, that's cute. Everyone else can have dreams and visions but not you...you can't do it." I'd walk away feeling worthless and maybe I really can't do it.

One day in particular during my second year I thought it would be fun if we put together a youth choir, lots of kids expressed that this was something they wanted. Now by no means was I a choir director but I have been in youth choir for years and we had the musicians, singers; lots of help. I was excited and brought it to the attention of a few pastors, one pastor I will never forget literally laughed in my face and said "You will never make that happen!" and the another pastor said "What do you know about putting together a successful youth choir? I don't think you can do it."

So do you think I did it? Nope! Nay nay!

Most people would say they made it happen to prove the Naysayers wrong and show that they could do it, but I have heard this all my life and it was so imbedded in my head that I just started to believe that I will never do anything!

While I was living in this new city and away from family I met a guy, he was going to the church I was going to and very good friends with my host family, he eventually moved in too.

We we weren't into each other at all, but we'd flirt. One night he came into my room because I was up late studying just to keep me company and next thing you know it...well, you get the idea. Like I said, we weren't in a relationship and we didn't like each other in this way, I think I was just a convenience to him, I mean, I didn't say no and for me he was something exciting that I was always told not to touch plus I was vulnerable and lost. This went on for a while until I graduated, and moved back home...we didn't tell a soul! A few months after graduation went by and eventually what is done in the darkness...

So, everything was found out, all heck broke loss in my home. By this point when I came back I was in leadership at my youth group and I had to face my sr. pastor and youth pastor, step down from leadership, repent and go through a healing process.

When I walked out of both pastor's offices I left feeling dirty, a big fat sinner, and I was most defiantly going to hell! There was zero forgiveness, zero Jesus, zero love or compassion; there was lots of "Your parents are in ministry how could you?"

At home instead of my Dad asking me how I can be healed it was as if I did this to him...on purpose. How was I going to heal him? How was I going to make this right for him?

The whole time I was supposed to be getting my healing I was too worried about how I was going to make this right for my pastors, family, the other family whose house we lived in at the time; but I never once had time to focus on me, I never forgave myself for sexual immorality, one of the things God says is a sin.

Jesus hates me, my pastors hate me and I'm the disappointment in my family; this is how I felt.

Again, I just buried it deep down, put on my smile and pretended it was all good.

Years went on, made plenty of other mistakes, had some fun times, I had a chance to move to San Francisco for awhile, shared a house with friends and had a few other heart breaks in between.

I was pushing near 30, I had thought I'd never find love, Jesus was still mad at me, and I had no prayer life at all. I had walked away from church at this time, just hurt by all of my experiences and was over it.

I will never forget that I was at my mom's and she had an idea to have prayer; my sisters were there and some of her prayer warrior friends. I just sat there like "ok, whatever."

She was praying over us girls for our future spouses and she said she feels God telling her to do this and she stood up and starting yelling "The groomsman are coming! The groomsman are coming!"

I was later prophesied over that my husband was coming and it would be quick! Everything: the meeting, engagement and getting married.

I wrestled with God for a little time but He kept making himself known in small and big ways and I stopped running but kept all my issues inside, never giving them to Jesus to heal.

So not too much later, I was living in a city with a roommate, had a nice job, was growing in my walk with the Lord...everything was pretty good.

Eventually my nice job had shut down and everyone was let go, I was stuck on whether or not I needed to move back home because I couldn't pay rent anymore where I was living.

An old friend of my family contacted me and invited me to stay with her until I got back on my feet, she was living in the same city so I didn't have to return to the tiny hometown.

See, this friend of the family would eventually become my mother in law. I've known my husband's family my entire life. My mom knew her since jr. high school and my husband, his sister, cousins and myself all grew up together as children.

She had invited me over for dinner at her apartment to discuss moving arrangements and such; when I went to her place we talked and laughed, she showed me what would be my room and then there was a knock at the door and she had a funny suspicious look on her face and asked me to open the door, when I opened it there he was...this tall gorgeous man with a beautiful smile. It was him! I knew it was the man I was going to marry, I was twitterpated!

You see a few years before when I'd see my mother in-law at church or somewhere she would always tell me that I'd be perfect for her son, that I should reconnect with him. For a long time she'd say this but he was nowhere to be found. I finally asked her "well, where is he?" She said that he was staying near the coast living in a men's home recovering from drugs, but that the men's home was connected with a church and he had given his life to Christ and was healing.

The first thing that came to my head was "Oh goodness, one of those guys." I was already judging him based on what I had seen of men who come in and out the these drug recovery homes.

When I saw him, he looked good! We sat at the table and chatted about what we've up to, Jesus, how good God was...you know weird stuff because we didn't know how to act 😍

Of course there were the occasional flirts and I will never forget that he got up as my mother in-laws friend was playing a keyboard and he started signing a worship song that was familiar in Spanish, he kept glancing my way to make sure I was paying attention. I thought this was the cutest thing ever because I know he was trying to impress me but little did he know...this Mexican woman does NOT speak Spanish at all! *sigh* how cute though.

By the end of the night we exchanged numbers and this man already had my heart. We would talk on the phone for hours just getting to know every piece of information about each other. He had took a trip out of town to visit his Dad for a few weeks and I missed seeing him but of course it never failed we'd talk to each other on the phone while laying in bed for hours, just laughing and talking.

One conversation I will not forget, I just started missing him so much...like a deep yearning to see him...I loved him, yes! I loved him!

We had already discussed marriage and how pretty much we just knew.

When he came home he proposed to me this was in January of 2009 and we were planning a December wedding so we had plenty of time to plan. Then he had lost his job and I lost mine so we were worried maybe we will have to wait later.

My Mother in-law mentioned to us that we should do what she does for a living and her company was always hiring. She worked as an apartment manager and her job not only paid hourly wages but included a free apartment, well, we weren't working so what do we have to loose? We applied, and a few days later went in for an interview. The interview took place out of town and while we were driving back home they called us and offered us the job; however, we'd need to move to a training property and start the following week.

So we were very excited about this opportunity but we'd have to live together and that's not going to be easy, we weren't married.

So we made the quick decision to well...get married!

We called our families and said "Guess what? We got hired! and guess what else? We have to get married like tomorrow!"

Our families helped us plan the smallest and quickest wedding ever, but we did it! We were husband and wife...madly in love, a new job, and I was on cloud 9.

I remembered the word that spoken over my life of how this was going to happen quickly....this happened in about a 1 month time span it was that quick.

I remembered that night when I reconnected with him at his mom's over dinner I heard a voice loud and clear say "This is him." I knew it was God confirming that he was my husband, the man I would spend the rest of my life with.

So, I feel I set the table for you...sorry it was so long!

Next blog we will get into the past 11 years of marriage (I promise it won't be 11 years long! I still have so much to say about other things.)

This one maybe different from any of the other blogs I wrote so I don't have much scripture to add in here. I did ask God to give me confirmation in his word about letting go of past issues and I'll share those with you, and I hop they bless you as much as they did me. 😊

Thank you for sticking though all this ramble with me.

Until next time, I am praying for you and Jesus loves you!

Good Stuff:

Philippians 3:13-14

“Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”

Isaiah 43:18-19

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”