I had planned out an awesome blog for today...but then something happened that changed the course, I think I am going to be a little vulnerable today (ok, a lotta bit).
I have days where I feel like I can conquer the world, like singing God's praises from the top of my lungs, run and twirl in a hill of beautiful flowers like Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music", and hey, I'm going to even eat a bowl of rainbows and glitter for lunch! That's just how awesome I feel.
Then I have days like today...it was going well, I woke up had my celery juice and then fat burning coffee, prayed, read my devotion and I was going to get some work done, then for some reason the Enemy came at me from nowhere at full charge.
The past week for some reason has been some kind of pressing season for me, when I say "pressing" I am thinking of a juicer of sorts. Those old fashioned orange juicers, you know the kind that you place a half of an orange in, pull the handle and the orange gets the living day lights squeezed out of it? That's me, I'm the orange.
I almost feel like I have dual personalities sometimes; I doing amazing then I stop and just start crying...like CRYING, you know the kind that comes from your gut.
Then I start hearing things like "You're unloved", "You'll never have anything", "You're not worthy enough", I sit there and hear this and I do snap out of it pretty quickly and I rebuke the Enemy and pray usually within seconds I'm back to feeling like a warrior princess.
Today I was having a pretty normal conversation with my Husband that I have separated from for 8 months already; talking about jobs, our struggles, and then he just flat out said that it wasn't any of my business anyway. Which really punched me in the gut, for 11 years he was my business...I replied with something along the lines of "Wow, my Husband isn't my business?" He abruptly snapped back with "I'm not your Husband!" and then the conversation just got very confusing, awkward and reading what he was saying just was reminder that this man is not the man I knew and married.
After, I just sat there starring at my phone and tears filled my eyes and I cried, so here was an open door for the Enemy to fill my head with lies of being unloved, unwanted, "look at what you did to your marriage", "He's filled with hate because of you!".
Of course I yelled out "NO!" and I began to pray, of course while I was praying I was telling God how I was not cut out for this, I can't be a "Stander", Why has He called me to fight for my marriage? I asked God show me again, tell me again what I should do?
I just heard Him say "Keep fighting".
I rolled my eyes so far behind my head I think I saw the back of my skull!
He said it again, "Fight! I have called you for such a time as this. Do not stop."
Then said "And since you don't feel loved...“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." (Jeremiah 31:3), "Yup! I have chosen you too! You didn't choose me, I picked you." (John 15:16), and "How could you not think you are beautiful? You are as lovely as the stars in the sky." (Daniel 12:3)
When it came to standing for my marriage not only did He remind me to fight but to trust in Him throughout the process (Proverbs 3:5)
Every time there is a little hiccup, something my husband says or does and I get discouraged for some reason after I talk to Jesus about it I am filled with more love for him, I am filled with more forgiveness and I go from not wanting to pray for him or giving up for not being able to wait to pray.
I realized that during this time of separation that it has caused me to pray like never before, hear God's voice so loudly and clear, and well...press me!
I had this amazing blog planned out about being healed and called (it will be next the next blog) but I felt like telling you all what I am going through today, because I am hearing God's voice doesn't mean that I do not struggle or feel like giving up, I know that some of you who might be reading this (Hi one subscriber! 👋) might feel the same as well...maybe you too have a prodigal spouse who says things to you that make you feel like there is no way this marriage will ever be restored, or maybe you are battling an incurable illness and God has promised healing but your bloodwork, and tests come back and that illness is still there and you're feeling like you are going through the juicer and just being pressed!
God told me today as I was thinking of the pressed juicer and He said "Think of the finished product! An orange has to be pressed hard and squeezed until every last drop of juice is out, when it's done, you have a delicious glass of fresh pressed juice. When orange juice is fresh squeezed it has more benefits then just eating it, your body absorbs all the goodness of Vitamin C, great for your skin, builds strong bones and great for the heart.
So even though we are being squeezed to heck all around us, we are not crushed (2 Corinthians 4:8-9) after we have gone through the juicer we come out this amazing, healthy, wonderful person. Just keep your eyes on Him and trust Him to fulfill His promises that He has for us.
Until next time, I'm praying for you and Jesus loves you!
Good Stuff:
James 1:12
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
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