This seemed to be the question of the hour....every hour!
For months I was wondering what I did wrong? What did I do to make God hate me so much that He would curse me with this sickness, was He going to kill me? Was I going to die? I'm being punished aren't I? Why did my Husband leave me in a time in my life when I needed him to be around the most. I was lost, broken, depressed, hurt and confused; I have never felt so unwanted, unloved, and unworthy in life until now.
You see, my story starts like this: in Late February early March of 2019, my Husband and I were living in Washington state for 4 years. I started getting hit with these strange symptoms; symptoms of joint pain, my hands, feet, and ankles started to swell and were very painful. I put it off for a while just thinking maybe it would just go away, then I started to develop a cough and had trouble breathing, I though it was maybe Bronchitis as I had got it yearly in the winter. I went to the Doctor and was prescribed antibiotics to help with the Bronchitis but weeks has past and it didn't improve but got worse. I could hardly walk a few feet without struggling to breathe and would cough so bad that I I would gasp hard for air, it would cause me to vomit all over and I'd have embarrassing accidents, then the pain in my joints became unbearable, and by the end of my work day my hands would look like sausages and would even freeze...I typed all day for work and I'd just have to hold in the tears.
My Doctor ran test after test and just could not figure out what was going on...they gave me different types of pain medications that didn't work and misdiagnosed me 3 times. In the mean time the pain was increasing to the point I could no longer walk, stand, use the restroom lay down in bed, get dressed or shower without help. I eventually had to call in my job and say I could not return until we figured out what was wrong.
We lost a second income, bills fell behind; my husband and I worked so hard to improve our credit, put a little cash in savings, we were on a budget plan and things were looking good for us...then this! My poor husband really tried to stay strong and took on a lot of financial stress on his own. Nightly I cried and cried in fear that I was going to die, in fear that we were going to be evicted, in worry for my Husband because this was too much for one person to do; he was missing a lot of work to take me to my appointments, I didn't want him to do this alone...I know he was scared and worried as well. To his face I'd smile and say "everything is going to be okay" because I didn't want to make our situation worse by loosing it in front of him.
For months we had no answers and every week my health was going down hill. Our Mothers tried to come up when they could to help us around the house and help me while my husband went to work. Depression hit our household hard and I felt it... I could feel the shift and it was thick! At this point in my life I was already dealing with a lot of demons from my past that have been creeping up, I pushed God aside, was angry at Him, and was trying to live life on my own. When this started happening it just made me more upset at God...really God? You're going to cause this?
In October of 2019, I rushed to the ER due to an excruciating headache and dizziness, so the cherry on top was I had two brain aneurysms that caused the headaches. My husband abruptly made the decision to return to California, I heard clearly the voice of God say "NO! It's not time, you will get the answers soon", I opened my mouth to tell my Husband but I saw how heavyhearted and stressed he was, He knew we needed to be surrounded by family and everyone was in California.
I no longer wanted to see him unhappy, so I kept my mouth shut about what I had heard God say and agreed to go home.
Within a few days I was packed and headed to my Parent's house, he was going back to Washington to pack up our apartment and come back.
Believe it or not within 2 days of me being in California my Rheumatologist in Washington called and said "I know what it is! You have Lupus. Come back for more blood work and we will get you the correct treatment". My hear dropped...if we would have just waited a few more days. Here I was in Cali with no health insurance, neither of us had jobs, no money....what were we going to do? I'd have to start over with Doctor appointments here but I had no insurance!
After a few weeks I was finally with my husband and our 2 cats living with my Mother in-law. I just remember being even more stressed out and the pain just became more and more intense, I had fevers, chills, rashes and didn't know what to do.
The day before Thanksgiving I eventually ended up in the ER again, luckily they said they would not let me go until they found out what was wrong with me. Even though I was in California I have never felt so alone, lost and scared in my life. I was afraid that I was not going to leave the hospital alive, I could not go outside, there was no light, I heard cries and screams every night, I was hooked up to every machine, taking about several different medications daily, I was being poked and prodded, by this time I had no hair left but a small handful (it had been falling out for months). I had a biopsy on my muscles and was in extreme pain.
It was at least confirmed that I was diagnosed with SLE Lupus, Interstitial Lung Disease, Stage 3 Kidney Disease and Mixed Connective Tissue Disease. If you know anything about Lupus it is an Autoimmune Disease that causes your immune system to attack your insides, your joints, and organs...it just causes chaos and it is incurable (just remember I said it was incurable).
To top that all off my husband of 10 years came to me one night to ask if we could have an "Open marriage" because he was tired of living like a monk...WHAT?!?! You want me to share you? And you choose now to tell me this? I had lost it! I was already struggling with my health and everything piling on top of me and my husband bring this up now?
the next night we spoke, I hoped we were going to be okay but then a few nights later he said he was done and wanted out of our marriage...again, while I am laying in a hospital bed.
That night I cried and cried...no, I was wailing! I was crying so hard that the nurses had to come in and check on me, I kept saying that I just wanted to die. They had to keep coming in to check on me and sit outside the bathroom door just to make sure I didn't kill myself.
When family would visit me I was great at putting on a fake smile and pretended that I was okay...they knew it was not okay.
When my husband would visit (after I told him to stay away) I had to gather everything in me to not be so angry with him...I still loved him and I wanted more than anything to just make everything okay.
After I was discharged my Husband dropped me off at my Parent's house with just the clothes I was wearing the night I was admitted in the hospital, didn't leave me the car, no financial help....nothing but a bag of medications.
When he drove off again, I cried like someone had died...someone did, we did!
I slept on the couch downstairs for a few weeks as the recovery was still the worst thing ever, I could not walk up the stairs to make it to the spare bedroom, I could not shower or dress by myself and my Husband who helped me was gone so I struggled to do it all on my own. Doing simple tasks that should've taken minutes took me an hour to do.
Every night was hell for me; I cried and cried and I'd holler at God. asking Him WHY? WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME? WHY AM I HERE? WHY AM I SICK? WHY DID MY HUSBAND LEAVE ME? WHY?
I was majorly depressed and just thought dying would be easier then having to go through what I am going through right now.
One night I was seriously considering taking my life; I had all the pills I needed, anti-depressants, the strongest pain pills, sleeping pills and several mediations to manage my Lupus, if I just took all of this at once and fall asleep and not wake up I'd be okay with that.
I had took all my pill bottles out and put them on the table next to me with the plan to do it but instead I felt extremely tired and ended up falling asleep...
When I opened my eyes I was in a bright room and there was a man standing in front of me; I tried to look at his face but couldn't because it was so bright but I saw his hands that were reaching out to me and I knew right away who it was...it was Jesus and the only thing I could do to was run into his arms.
I threw myself into his arms and cried, I cried hard, I cried loud, I just let it everything I held in and everything I was going through out. I asked Him the same thing...WHY? WHY AM I GOING THROUGH THIS? WHY DID HE LEAVE ME? WHY AM I DYING?
He didn't answer my questions but every time I asked He held me closer and tighter; I have never felt so safe and loved in my life, after I calmed down a bit I just felt so overwhelmed in love, I felt it come over me like rain. He was "petting" my head with one hand and the other was just holding me, I felt like I was hugging a Father who just wanted to love on His daughter and He just let me vent out all of my feeling without being judgmental, not rebuking or ridiculing me...just loving me.
He started speaking to me in this voice that I can't even trying explaining but it was the most beautiful tone and so much love (if I can describe a sound as love) He said "My beautiful daughter, I have a plan for you. Plans to prosper you and to heal you (He spoke Jeremiah 29:11) He proceeded to say that I was the apple of His eye and that He was going to heal me physically, mentally and emotionally and that He was going to heal and restore my marriage, He just needed me to live and live for Him and Him alone; watch what He will do. He also said that He chose me to Stand in battle for such a time as this. Stand for my marriage, stand for others who are sick in body and hurting marriages all over.
I pledged to do exactly what He asked of me.
When I woke up I had went from feeling worthless, unloving and depressed to having hope again and was over come with love that I have never felt.
I immediately forgave my Husband for he had done and forgave myself for being filled with such hate over myself and wanted to serve God from that moment on.
This blog is to document my standing journey and to tell you the crazy things God has done!
I hope this helps bring you hope, whether you are sick in your body, going through depression and can't shake it, maybe you are also a "Stander" for your marriage and just need encouragement and someone to battle with you, this is for you!
I hope each story I post touches you or even pushes you to not give up and pray...pray hard! God has called us for such a time as this, to pick up our swords and fight!
Until next time, I am praying for you and Jesus loves you!
Good stuff:
Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
Ephesians 6:10-18 The Whole Armor of God Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints—
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